.Painful Realisations.

sometimes its very hard to swallow the things you hear about you,regardless the nature or truthfullness of it.

its like drinking a glass of glass pieces.painful yet after managing to do so its an accomplishment and you'll feel satisfied.you make me move. move to make me realise all the stupid little things that i do. its painful to know yes but grateful to learn from it.

i've stepped into a journey ive longing for so long. almost 2 years now. to be loved. i never had that feeling for so long. now that i have, it feels so  enlightening.

ive always thought it would be easy but now ive learnt im not doing a good job at it. wait not good job, more of a decent job. ive always thought i knew everything that i needed to know to be a good boyfriend or others would prefer to call it companion. whatever it is, i've come to realise i suck at it. big time. 

im sorry if im not what you had in mind. im sorry if i dont meet up to your expectations. not as if its demanding but i know its normal expectations. thats what made it hurt more. i cant even satisfy you with the simplest of tasks. like waking up on time. im sorry if im really different from the others that you had. im sorry if i disappoint you so often.im sorry if im not around all the time.what kills me is to know that all the things ive let you down are things that a 5 year old could do. that hit me hard.

i dont blame you if you ever doubted this.us.me.

because it feels as if i've got SO little to offer. so little that it seems ridiculous.at times i feel so worthless and lousy.but hold that thought as i know i can give you more. more then anything we couldve imagine.its a big blow to my confidence but not to my determination. 

but being sorry is not enough. i need to show you that i can meet up to your expectations. i want to.and i will.

even so. i cant be everything. because at the end of the day im still haikal. im still the guy that you met at mas ayu.the guy who was trying to find his feet.but everything that you've seen of me is not a facade.i've been true all this while.

maybe one thing could explain all this mishaps. its been really a long time since i last had someone to hold on,dote,love,whatever not. 

you dont have to give me time. ill make it as quick as possible. and only time will tell if i succeed. succeed in convincing you and myself that im not lousy.

you really touch me and made me realise the effort you have put in to make me happy. just like today to surprise me at work. ive put in effort too but i think its  not enough

it hurt me cause ive disappoint you. it touch me cause i loveyou.it bothers me cause i care and it kills me cause i just want to be with you.