.ruing the day that never came.

suddenly it sank in.

what do i see myself doing in 5 to 10 years time?

i don't fucking know. eversince that infamous police panel interview, questions kept coming. from time to time, my brain just refuse to rest. i need to find a purpose. i need to find that answer real quick. i want to kickstart my life back.its been way too fucking long being in this "vacation". i need to set out priorities. what do i want? what do i need? where should i go? how should i achieve it?

ambitions sometimes will just stay as ambitions. i cannot afford to take another wrong step. you only got one try in life and the world is sometimes not benign to give you a second chance. 

everyday i pray to god to show me the right path in life, to open up my eyes, to enlighten my soul.

its been really tormenting. this is one big test. hope im strong enough.i need answers really soon. i need to have a perspective on what i want to do. for 2 years i greet every new day with lethargicness and no purpose. fuck. i've had enough.until then i'm going to rue the day that seems further than i thought. the day when i have a purpose.to make things clear when i say purpose it means, something to go for you know. like a job that kind of thing. and no im not being suicidal. haha. just that im sick of tired of this phase of my life.

. Nuts .

wah. stress.

Have you passed through this night?

tossed and i turned, just can't seem to fall asleep.

feel luck and life has not been benign of late. This is really a trying time for me.issues have been brought up. left me worried. almost to the point of paranoia. felt as if you were forsakening me. casting doubts of our longetivity,love and faith.the other night i shed a tear over a certain issue that you brought up. im not blaming anyone. maybe its just me not being able to look or be serious enough in anything i do. maybe that job interview i had is the proof of this.fuck. it hurt bad.knowing something about you that ain't right.knowing that my sincerity,willingness,dedication,love,patience,carewere somehow put in doubt.

sometimes i wonder have i not done enough?

well whatever the case, ill always give an extra 100% for you.always.

i treasure this relationship to a point that im willing to do what it takes to make you not forget every single thing ive done. but you need to do the same as well. you need to start asking yourself have you given me what i need. do you know how i feel.

but nonetheless i want to be the best of all that you've been with. i want to be that guy you have always been dreaming of.even so, i will always loveyou even if you stop loving me(hope that never happens).

together we will pass through this night and overcome tomorrow.

with all my heart i loveyou suhaida bte suhaimi.honestly and always

. easy does it.

as day they passes, one by one they leave. soon it'll be my turn. gosh. just shows how fast time goes by nowadays. still can vividly remember the time when i imagine myself serving the nation. soon it'll turn reality. mentally maybe im prepared. physically, nah.haha. but what the heck. i'll still have to go through it. so why bother to complain right.

been in talks of wanting to go jamming. been really wanting to go jam. dah lama gila sey. then faheem brought up a conversation about his band writing new songs and they are looking for a vocalist. after knowing that i can actually sing(which im not that confident that i can really), he suggested that i try out for their band. honestly, it sent down the chills down my spine. my fucking god, its like a step closer to achieving my ambitions. listened to their songs but at first i was very reluctant for it sounded like those typical you know screaming shit and what not. but after talking to faheem about his ideal type of vocalist, i felt that well, i fit that picture quite well.haha.no screaming shit needed.nevertheless, those distortions may well pose a problem for me. not really a big fan of distortion. but i believe if they use it well,it will make the music sound better. i hope they do it the right way.well haikal. you gotta take it one step at the time and not be to over zealous. uh huh. this may mean nothing. but yet. im still considering the invite. flattering yes. stupid no. dont want to make a fool out of myself. so slowly lah k haikal. dont get too excited. 

THE HOME TEAM DROPPED ME A MESSAGE AND TOLD ME IM ENLISTED FOR THE PANEL INTERVIEW.ALLHAMDULLILAH. GOD PLEASE HELP ME DO WELL. 

. There Goes My Hero .

hello people. so many things to update. 

everything is going on pretty well. nothing to complain about. its already been a week since the fasting month started. woho. was not entirely good though. had bowel problems. hahaha. didn't manage to shit. it sucked man. oh and my dear friend kamal seems to finally found a love. ahaha. hopefully it goes well for both of them particularly for him. its not that he's not a good boyfriend but he tends not to treat her the way she wants her to be treated. he always wants it his way if you know what i mean. maybe its because its been a long time since he last was in a steady relationship. hope he learns from the past. for what ever the previous girls did to him, his current flame is capable of doing much worst. im pretty sure of that.

well lets just put that aside. life was all colorful, breezy and happy but it went through a major roadblock. on the morning of september 5th 2008, i received news regarding my uncle. it broke my heart. even though i was lacking sleep, once i heard he passed away i knew i had to pay my last respects to my late uncle. he was always a man with limited words. he only spoke when the situation calls for it. but he has this aura. this respect from every single person from the family. not for just being the eldest but somehow something more than that. i never was very close with him but being my uncle i knew him well enough. Being a teacher was really a career made for him for as he could share his wisdom, knowledge and life experience with the younger generation. we called him " wak mok" because of his weight but ever since he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer he was never the same. he started to be senile, lost tons of weight. but he was strong. he battled with cancer for as long as he could and he just had to go away as it was his fate to leave us. he will never be forgotten. allah loves him. he passed away on the month of ramadhan, his body was prayed by the people in the mosque and that is a feat that not many people is lucky enough to get. Last but not least, he died peacefully. 

it broke my heart to see all his four daughters now having their own family in distraught. i can never understand the pain and anguish that they had. losing your father, your pillar of strength and your utmost source of comfort. as i stood there watching them paying respects, i just broke down. i cannot imagine myself being in their shoes. i wouldn't want to. it made me realize how i take my parents for granted. they can just leave you anytime. from this day onward, i vow to give them all the love, respect and whatever they want that they deserve. they brought me up to the person i am and the least i can repay them back is by taking good care of them. they are the reason im here. if not for them im just another figment of ones imagination. i loveyou both. and to my late uncle may god forgive all your sins and allow you into the gates of heaven. AMIN.