. it drains my enthusiasm .

its a life changing phase at this point of my life. as for now i take it on a day by day basis hoping the next day will be a good day. then looking forward to the next day hoping i get to see the outside world.

in all honesty, it hasn't been that bad but the feeling of "i might be doing guard duty on my book out day" is the worst feeling ever coming out tops compared to the sucky book in feeling.

on book out days, i feel so downright happy and have fun that sometimes i forgot that i am actually serving ns and have to book in on the sunday. all the time, i just wish that feeling lasts forever. being with babylove,having fun and laughing at random things is so blissful. sadly, that feeling fades on the day i am booking in.

now i have a major decision to make. should i or should i not go for ERS. The pay is attractive, i will be super fit but i will undergo 6 months of living hell. can someone help me sort this out please. at this point of time, i'm leaning more to not going for ERS but still im not too sure of that decision.

ns aside, im currently in contention of being in baby's band. weeeeeeeeeee. they gonna play lifehouse,jason mraz etc. woooooo. so shiok. somemore SHE will be in it. wah. best nya.but i might need to quit caravent which im currently considering. 

alamak. 2 more hours book in. sian

. Not too pleasing .

finally, i'm serving my national service. its been a long wait now its gonna be another long wait for it to finish.so far it has been pretty good. the physical training for the first week was quite bad because it has been awhile since i last exercised and thus i had body cramps all over during the weekend.

the people in my dorm thankfully are okay. no mats no ahbengs. all are fun people cept for those few bad apples. nonetheless, the people whom i'm close with are cool.

as for now im facing a major dilemma over choice of vocation. firefighter or other vocation? fuck. everyday this thought will bother me. scary. firefighter is a very attractive vocation but i will go through six months of hell which im not too sure whether i have the mental strength to go through.

the first week was quite tough for me having to handle regimental life and other commitments. they say this point of your life is the biggest test that one will face and as far as i can say, im doing pretty good. her understanding and care has made this transition way easier for me.thank you babylove. you are the reason that makes every single day go by quick. for i know with every single hour passed,im an hour closer to listening to your voice and every single day passed, i'm a day closer to meeting you.you are my purpose.

before ns, weekends were nothing special to me but now, every weekend is so damn precious. every day i live in fear of having my weekends burnt for guard duty.

on top of all that, i'm so in love with my babylove.hugs and kisses!

fuck. tomorrow book in.ergh.

, Are Computers Male or Female?

 Are Computers Male or Female?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories 

. Just lay with me. .

a thousand words can never explain the anguish he's feeling.

fuck. emotionally draining is all i can say for what he is going through. when  almost is never good enough.when dreams shatter in a split second. when sadness is an understatement. keeping it to himself showing his character. unselfish and strong. i will always be here for you my brother. i love you always and forever.

its been such a long few weeks. first with my band than news regarding my brother. ergh. mind fucking. self-confidence was like the current economy crisis. there's only one person that i need to thank and that is my babylove. without you i wouldn't have known how to get through that sticky patch. just by looking at you smile gives me strength. your words always seem so well constructed. you make me push myself further. make me believe in myself. i love you so much babylove!

home club gig was the first time ever i performed as a band. asian beats didn't count in my books.hahaha. surprisingly i was very comfortable on stage. wooo. hahaha. and to see people moving to your music was so unbelievable. with my friends in front of the stage smiling and watching us was the happiest moment of my life. for me now that i've thought about it. i have no reason to feel upset about because for my virgin performance you couldn't have asked for better. why should i feel upset? beacause some pricks just had to say it bluntly regarding my singing. i know where my standard falls. i know i did a pretty sucky job that night. any improvement? yes. first thing first who the fuck are you to comment me such a way. not constructive, not motivating. YOU are the reason why my confidence was low. you say things that i could neither tolerate nor do anything about. your sentences always end with a fullstop. no replies required. cheebye. make me angry only.

other than that after talking to babylove,alfrey and faheem, i agree to all of their comments,criticism. all of which were constructive and i can point out and say yeah i think i should do this instead. thank you all for your advice. i know and feel i can do better. time and  patience is all i need.

with that till next time.

.For now i atone.

wah the feeling is slowly sinking in. cheebye. im performing tomorrow. wearghh! scary! dah lah tadi jamming singing cock up.:(

baby love won't be able to see me perform. ): howells least she will see me perform at home club. weeeeeeeeee

i'm so damn freaking happy now when you're around. =) its like a feeling that i never have before. now that you're leaving for batam for 2 days i'll feel much voidness in me.=( come back soon and don't ever go away

.For now i atone.

. A rush of blood to my head .

finally the feeling is sinking in. 

i am going to be performing as a band this 23rd and 28th! oh my fucking god! hahaha

its like a childhood dream about to come true. fuuuuuuuck. this way cool then getting laid the first time. serious.this is the epitome of stim. hahhaa. its like getting a hard-on on top of a hard-on.wah. when i was younger i would always daydream of myself standing in front of a huge ass crowd and singing my ass off. here i am about to relive my dream. how fucking cool is that. haha. arghhhhhhhh.

then the not so great thing. NS/CD is just round the corner. ergh. dammit. just have to steal my thunder. 

. Distant Cries .

i miss that girl like crazy. argh. come home quick please? and cure me of my illnesses. yesterday, barely 2 hours after she left, i felt the voidness of her not being here. sobs. then at night feeling all sick and weak knowing she can't talk to me all night sucked even more. my condition is just certainly not helping this situation.

baby. don't go holidays anymore k? i cannot take it. i need you. :(

and she wont be coming home till tomorrow!

sobs.

YOU. COME HOME. I NEED A HUG.

I MISS YOU SUHAIDA BTE SUHAIMI.

CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU AND HUG YOU AND KISS YOU AND JUST STARE AT YOU THE WHOLE DAY.

. Remember,Trust,Patience .

Don't seek.just heed so you won't get what you don't need.

all for us to savour.everything for you to break.

none for me to take.

help ownself and others will help you.

be them wise people and others will be wiser.

learn so you can teach.

trust so you can be trusted.

share so you will help the others

but fret not, through all these,

he's our saviour

none other than allah.

remember him for he will never forget you.

. Solace in my dreams .

hello everyone. a quick summary of how things have been so far.GREAT.

i cant really remember if i had post this in my previous entry, im gonna say it anyways.

i've decided not to join the police force after giving it alot of thought on the night of the 2nd panel interview. i had my reasons which were to me very valid and sufficient to actually end this enrolment thing. but not everyone seems to be on the same page as me. no matter how much i explain it to you or to anyone else in front of you, you still choose the fact that im lazy and i tend to do alot of things halfway. fuck. i know ah there alot of things in the past i do halfway but all of which i felt i had valid reasons. TP, i had no interest at all and i just can't cope with the math. CAR, at that point of time i see no point of taking it. fuck. but you just choose to say i dont show positive attitude in what  do.fuck. painful la sia. especially coming from you. but nonetheless im going to use this as a motivational tool to prove you wrong. no need for heated arguements, no need for grudges. i'll just have to show you results.well now im a quarter into succeeding it so yeah wish me luck.

other than that life has been pretty much great all thanks to bb.(: she makes my world go round.she makes all the difference in making my life good. she makes me stronger.all in all i love my baby so much!(=

oh oh. and my vow to stop all the nonsense seems to be in good shape. no temptations thus far. shall keep it that for as long as possible if not forever. 

i want to be loyal to you. i want to think about you all the time. i want to seek forgiveness for all my sins everynight.i want to pray to you everyday for you are the almighty and there is no god other than allah s.w.t.

.ruing the day that never came.

suddenly it sank in.

what do i see myself doing in 5 to 10 years time?

i don't fucking know. eversince that infamous police panel interview, questions kept coming. from time to time, my brain just refuse to rest. i need to find a purpose. i need to find that answer real quick. i want to kickstart my life back.its been way too fucking long being in this "vacation". i need to set out priorities. what do i want? what do i need? where should i go? how should i achieve it?

ambitions sometimes will just stay as ambitions. i cannot afford to take another wrong step. you only got one try in life and the world is sometimes not benign to give you a second chance. 

everyday i pray to god to show me the right path in life, to open up my eyes, to enlighten my soul.

its been really tormenting. this is one big test. hope im strong enough.i need answers really soon. i need to have a perspective on what i want to do. for 2 years i greet every new day with lethargicness and no purpose. fuck. i've had enough.until then i'm going to rue the day that seems further than i thought. the day when i have a purpose.to make things clear when i say purpose it means, something to go for you know. like a job that kind of thing. and no im not being suicidal. haha. just that im sick of tired of this phase of my life.

. Nuts .

wah. stress.

Have you passed through this night?

tossed and i turned, just can't seem to fall asleep.

feel luck and life has not been benign of late. This is really a trying time for me.issues have been brought up. left me worried. almost to the point of paranoia. felt as if you were forsakening me. casting doubts of our longetivity,love and faith.the other night i shed a tear over a certain issue that you brought up. im not blaming anyone. maybe its just me not being able to look or be serious enough in anything i do. maybe that job interview i had is the proof of this.fuck. it hurt bad.knowing something about you that ain't right.knowing that my sincerity,willingness,dedication,love,patience,carewere somehow put in doubt.

sometimes i wonder have i not done enough?

well whatever the case, ill always give an extra 100% for you.always.

i treasure this relationship to a point that im willing to do what it takes to make you not forget every single thing ive done. but you need to do the same as well. you need to start asking yourself have you given me what i need. do you know how i feel.

but nonetheless i want to be the best of all that you've been with. i want to be that guy you have always been dreaming of.even so, i will always loveyou even if you stop loving me(hope that never happens).

together we will pass through this night and overcome tomorrow.

with all my heart i loveyou suhaida bte suhaimi.honestly and always

. easy does it.

as day they passes, one by one they leave. soon it'll be my turn. gosh. just shows how fast time goes by nowadays. still can vividly remember the time when i imagine myself serving the nation. soon it'll turn reality. mentally maybe im prepared. physically, nah.haha. but what the heck. i'll still have to go through it. so why bother to complain right.

been in talks of wanting to go jamming. been really wanting to go jam. dah lama gila sey. then faheem brought up a conversation about his band writing new songs and they are looking for a vocalist. after knowing that i can actually sing(which im not that confident that i can really), he suggested that i try out for their band. honestly, it sent down the chills down my spine. my fucking god, its like a step closer to achieving my ambitions. listened to their songs but at first i was very reluctant for it sounded like those typical you know screaming shit and what not. but after talking to faheem about his ideal type of vocalist, i felt that well, i fit that picture quite well.haha.no screaming shit needed.nevertheless, those distortions may well pose a problem for me. not really a big fan of distortion. but i believe if they use it well,it will make the music sound better. i hope they do it the right way.well haikal. you gotta take it one step at the time and not be to over zealous. uh huh. this may mean nothing. but yet. im still considering the invite. flattering yes. stupid no. dont want to make a fool out of myself. so slowly lah k haikal. dont get too excited. 

THE HOME TEAM DROPPED ME A MESSAGE AND TOLD ME IM ENLISTED FOR THE PANEL INTERVIEW.ALLHAMDULLILAH. GOD PLEASE HELP ME DO WELL. 

. There Goes My Hero .

hello people. so many things to update. 

everything is going on pretty well. nothing to complain about. its already been a week since the fasting month started. woho. was not entirely good though. had bowel problems. hahaha. didn't manage to shit. it sucked man. oh and my dear friend kamal seems to finally found a love. ahaha. hopefully it goes well for both of them particularly for him. its not that he's not a good boyfriend but he tends not to treat her the way she wants her to be treated. he always wants it his way if you know what i mean. maybe its because its been a long time since he last was in a steady relationship. hope he learns from the past. for what ever the previous girls did to him, his current flame is capable of doing much worst. im pretty sure of that.

well lets just put that aside. life was all colorful, breezy and happy but it went through a major roadblock. on the morning of september 5th 2008, i received news regarding my uncle. it broke my heart. even though i was lacking sleep, once i heard he passed away i knew i had to pay my last respects to my late uncle. he was always a man with limited words. he only spoke when the situation calls for it. but he has this aura. this respect from every single person from the family. not for just being the eldest but somehow something more than that. i never was very close with him but being my uncle i knew him well enough. Being a teacher was really a career made for him for as he could share his wisdom, knowledge and life experience with the younger generation. we called him " wak mok" because of his weight but ever since he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer he was never the same. he started to be senile, lost tons of weight. but he was strong. he battled with cancer for as long as he could and he just had to go away as it was his fate to leave us. he will never be forgotten. allah loves him. he passed away on the month of ramadhan, his body was prayed by the people in the mosque and that is a feat that not many people is lucky enough to get. Last but not least, he died peacefully. 

it broke my heart to see all his four daughters now having their own family in distraught. i can never understand the pain and anguish that they had. losing your father, your pillar of strength and your utmost source of comfort. as i stood there watching them paying respects, i just broke down. i cannot imagine myself being in their shoes. i wouldn't want to. it made me realize how i take my parents for granted. they can just leave you anytime. from this day onward, i vow to give them all the love, respect and whatever they want that they deserve. they brought me up to the person i am and the least i can repay them back is by taking good care of them. they are the reason im here. if not for them im just another figment of ones imagination. i loveyou both. and to my late uncle may god forgive all your sins and allow you into the gates of heaven. AMIN.

. Untimely Return .

its been months since i last blogged. have been quite busy of late. Lately just planned out nasir's 20th birthday.haha. all that effort was worth it. seeing him teary eyed was an aww moment. ahhaha. but the planning process was oh so mentally demanding. haha. pretty content with life. things could still change for the better. one thing at the time i always tell myself. oh oh. and things wouldn't be this good if not for her. weeeeeeeee. =) 

Police interview. uh huh. signing on for police. but the process it takes is very leceh. 3 interviews to attend. really hope i can get it. really hope. it will do me a world of good. for at least 5 years (:

hows things with me and my gf?

its been great. that's from my point of view though. even if we had alot of issues that we had to settle, ultimately we managed to handle it pretty well. almost immediately as a fact. it shows just how much we are willing to accommodate  each other. People would say if things dont go well in the beginning, it will never work. but not for me. the more problems you have in present, the less problems you have in the future. that is if the problems are each other's behaviour or what nots. you know. for bad habits and bad lifestyle will never be permanent if you set your heart to change for the better. thats why i chose to be with her even though my friends had question marks all about it. i know she's going to change. its for her own good, not mine. we just gotta be really patience and optimism. for they say patience is virtue and optimism brings you a long way. for now lets not care what the others say and have it our way k? our decisions in life should never be based on people's words but rather your own. never ever be influenced by your friends in making decisions that concerns yourself. you'll tend to regret it.

Been having this urge to write songs but just couldn't find the time and right thoughts to do it. need to write a song. miss writing them. ah. 

My family is planning to go to Turkey next year. was so excited in talking to them regarding the matter, then i realised FUCK i'll be in the service. argh. not fair. never mind. i can always look forward to the euro trip that me and eugene have planned since we were 18. hopefully it will happen. IT WILL.

oh. fasting month is coming! time to shed some pounds.hah.

GOODNIGHT people.

. six days at the bottom of the ocean .

geez . whattafuck was in my head. hahaha. damn. sorry to aida. sorry azleen if the previous entry made you girls confused sedih or what ever not. didn't meant to put it that way. SO YEAH.SORRY! I RULE. I DON'T SUCK. THEY SUCK.WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. 

Oh and dont worry baby its all behind me now. i dont give a fuck about them already(: all i care about is you. don't want to make you worry,sad,disappointed etc. sorry! we shall show them just how strong we are and that you have biceps! heeehee. 

loveyou all okay! you azleen nasir.lovelovelovelove. 

MY NAME IS SCRAPPY COCO. 

. It sucks, forever .

time and time again, the same thing happened. why do i deserve such fate. maybe thats too strong of a word. why do i deserve such luck. do i not deserve at least the decency of pity from people. maybe respect is too much to ask. so i ask for pity. pity me for not having the upper hand in things that i should dominate. pity me for being irresponsible. i'm begging you people. please. these treatment is killing me slowly as i succumb to the truth of things. i can't take being treated with ill respect. knowing i exist in one's life yet ignoring that simple fact.

 

it sucks knowing you're not as good as you think you were.

it sucks feeling afraid.

it sucks knowing perhaps for all these while in life, you were at fault.

it sucks being stepped over all the time.

it sucks when it goes in a cycle all the time.

it sucks having no respect shown.

it sucks feeling helpless.

it sucks feeling useless.

it sucks knowing you suck.

it sucks, forever.

my heart is crying out for help. call me emotional. 

but to say the least, im not delusional.

i deserve better. but why. why the fucking hell is it repeating itself. fuck. it fucking kills me. mother fucker. it fucking bothers me a lot nothing could be put to blame on me and her. maybe me but not her.she's been perfect. i can't ask for more. nothing is anywhere close. i apologize for all these problems that happened. she don't deserve such luck. should've known better of this selfless ignorant pain in the ass people. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. i should've fucking known better. FUCKING CHEEBYE . 

but for all this. i'm not anywhere near giving up. but its almost a certainty. i've given up on trusting other guys related to her. i'm sorry. yeah self-centered, but its about time i start thinking for my fucking self.why should i fucking bother about other people that i don't relate to. all i get is shit.

i vow to learn from all these but i need guidance, patience, faith and a good sense of understanding.

my head is hurting damn bad. my eye crying for mercy. my body begging for forgiveness to rest. but nothing would give in till my mind can rest at ease.

i love her so much. i really really do. i'll do whatever it takes to make things much easier, better and unforgettable.i promise her that.

breathe,eat,sleep. its all about her.can't do without it.

she's my cinderella.

. my worries your desires .

its been a really tiresome but most definitely enjoyable week since. went to escape theme park on monday for the FIRST time. yeah i know i suck. then to Sentosa on wednesday. both of which with her. (: escape was a very memorable trip for i never got on an amusement kind of ride before. earlier on i wondered why. upon taking our first ride, i realize the reason. i had MOTION SICKNESS.ack.

but perhaps it was due to the food i just had before the ride but howells i knew it was damn giddy. she had the time of her life laughing her ass of at me. hahaha. damn embarrassing. but overall it was fun. real fun. sadly though 3 of the best rides were down. sad for her hooray for me! hahaha. oops. 

on wednesday, as we planned previously to spend the whole day at sentosa.  but damn shit ass mofo, it rained when we were taking the monorail to sentosa. fucking ass mangkok. we walked all the way to tanjong beach in the drizzle. just as we reached our preferred spot which was under the shelter. POURED heavily. decided to swim, poured even heavier. such luck. lazed around. went to take the luge ride.which was THUMBS UP.(:

now here i am at home on the comp while she's partying at mos. hmmph ): come back laaaaaaaa. i bored. 

hope you keep your word huh. i really really hope so. for not i'll be damn disappointed. 

will post new pictures reaaaaaaaaal sooon. not in the mood to go through the hassle of uploading pics into the comp and especially on blogger. 

days spent with you is always rosy but days spent away from you is always lousy. 

i don't want to miss a thing

. Like Us .

i hope tomorrow's sunny day

cause i need some rest

to clear my chest

all the voices in my head

won't go away

not today

and time will tell us stories

to you

to me

on how we used to be

on what we used to see

i hope

i wish there's an emptiness in this room

to hear you breathe

i wish

i hope i'll catch up on you

and fly away

to a place we'll find peace

we can breathe easier

and i will see you there

please wait

don't go

and i'll wait for you there

ahh. still not done yet this song. lotsa random stuff in it. so yaaaaaaaa. anyways my brother is getting married on 10/10/09 . coool or whaaaaaaaat. 

today is a long day and im super ass tired. bye

. you're my queen .

IPHONE. DAMN. REALLY falling in love with that silly phone.

bah. anyways. had a long talk with her. and we've decided we're gonna try to kick our smoking habit. props to us! hopefully its not just talk. hahaha because i really want to stop smoking. it is such a pain in the ass on my wallet and not to forget health wise. who doesn't know yeah? there's more habits that we intend to kick actually. for me the top priorty is clubbing which is in fact not a habit but an unhealthy lifestyle. haha. it really digs in deep into your wallet. so in short we are actually looking into cutting down our expenses on such unnecessary things. more for me actually. damn. 

to think of it with all the money spent on cigarettes , i can use all that for my bike practical and buy me a damn bike. stupid fuck. 

OH. CAN DO RESERVATION FOR IPHONES. FUCK. i'll be in national service by the time the phone comes out. shit ass mother fucker. 

. Its not a sprint .

hello blog. 

didn't really had the time to update regarding my indonesia trip since i came back so here's the chance. but i'm too lazy to go in depth so let me describe it this way. it offered all of us a wide spectrum of the human emotion. happiness, sadness, grieve, excitement, frustration, fear, paranoia, confusion, i am serious. it was a very enjoyable trip in all and one that i will always remember.

as we venture deeper into our relationship, we will find skeletons in each others closet or so to say find out unexpected things. confessions,regrets,dark secrets and so on.  its all for the good for the sooner we know, the earlier we can absorb it. but its not about how fast or how early problems occur etc. its all about patience,dedication, trust, honesty and all the rest will take its place. its about how we are in handling certain issues. how well and how capable. 

its not a sprint to the finish line, its a marathon.

. idle .

waiting for my chance to go out.ahhh.

thats all. byeeee

. Fret not .

damn disappointed with you.

why the sudden nonsense?

fuck. you're such a kid. this is all bullshit. all over what? me not hanging with you. for crying out loud, 

WHAT THE FUCK. act your age will you? fuck. this is a waste of my time. don't get me wrong. i treasure every friendship. but the way you're being oh so dramatic and emotional about it just disgusts me. 

you of all people should know me well enough. i tend to disappear from time to time. i need my fucking space from being around with a lot of people.

do i always have to explain myself. fuck no. 

you don't know me? speak for yourself.

i barely know you. not after all those lies and charades that you put up. fuck. kau bodoh-bodohkan kita semua sial. you have the heart to say you don't know me? HA!!

you're a joke. take not i don't hold any grudges against you but i' m just damn damn disappointed. me your idol? what the fuck have i shown you then if this is how you handle things? 

one thing i've learn from all this nonsense is that the more you push and pester to meet up or what not, the more i tend to resist. i don't know why but i think its because i get damn irritated. 

ERGH!

you suck i win

. I know I suck .

last night when you called and you were weeping your way throughout the conversation, my heart sank to an all time low. even though i couldn't make up a single thing you said, it still was heart-wrenching.

one thing's for sure i know was the person who cause you to cry. that person is that dumb ass crack vaginal ex of hers. he is mentally retarded. if you know me well enough, i 'm not the kind that gives out negative impressions on people but this guy is an exception. not because he is her ex but he is just plain retarded. hope you burn in hell sonny.

that aside, after you hung up. i felt like shit. useless. helpless. there you were in need of help but i just couldn't do anything to help. fuck i hate that feeling. sometimes i feel yeah i suck. for all the kindness i can give but when it matters most i can't do anything. i felt so useless yesterday night. all i could do was to calm you down but even that i couldn't do. 

i'm beginning to wonder can i always be there for her?

i want to. but i lack the resources. i'm willing to do anything to give what she needs,what she desire.

but reality is hurtful at times. maybe i have to accept the fact im no superman. 

i compare myself to other guys out there and i sense i lack a lot.

firstly, the stupid curfew my momma gives me(yeah i know, what a loser.) and the undeniable fact of me feeling anxious whenever momma calls me to go home. i fear this for saturday is your favourite day and i don't want it to be any different. but stupid curfews. fucking hell.

its not that i don't want to spend late nights with you. i would love to. everynight. if we didn't have to go home and stay up all night together everyday, i would grab that opportunity.everytime when we go out, how i wish it never has to end. 

can i put you in my pocket and bring you home?

then there is mode of transportation. traveling has been one of the biggest issue that i have encountered recently. if only we were neighbours. how easy it would be for us. we can sneak out everynight, get a cup of noodles and eat our hearts away.

IFs. that somehow sums up most of my life. lotsa IFs.

but one thing is for sure, i believe that my sincerity, love, care and respect for you outshines all of that. i really hope it does for if not, i'm a nobody.

i'm not complaining though, just bringing up some concerns that i have that might jeopardize our relationship.

i am different. i am yours.

. Seek Refuge .

such people exists in this earth.

long since i last felt so damn pissed.

tsk. please just fuck off will you. stop messing with her head. you insult her. you're insulting me as well. fucking piece of shit. you don't deserve to be given the chance to live. thats how insane and low. you deserve to feel like shit. you know why? because you don't know how its like to be loved, to love someone and to be kind. people like you are the reason why sometimes this world is so damn fucked. 

you seek refuge in all these mind games so just to make you feel better, to overcome the jealousy in you. you let go all your sense of integrity and respect of a woman just to mess us up. i've got news for you. nothing that you're gonna say is going to bring us down. nothing. 

you seek refuge amongst all these because you're weak. 

bleargh. you suck

don't worry huns. we WILL get through all these atrocities and unnecessary company. you've got my word. what don't break us make us stronger. and nothing's gonna break us. what's your problem is mine and what is mine is yours. most importantly, we shall get through this TOGETHER.

if only we could fly and be free.

no one bothering us

somewhere no one can see.

just you and me

forever happy.

flying amongst the stars

healing all your scars

but god is fair 

and is always there

never lose faith

for we will get through this unscathed.

loveyou.

. Hole in my Pocket .

 hello. its about time i set myself to update my blog. uh huh . over the past few weeks nothing much has changed. except that i had to make a key decision that will affect a major bit of my life. It provided me with a dilemma. one that i wished i didn't have. i had to decide on whether to sign on for a career with the police force for at least 5 years. to keep things short. in the end i did sign up. hopefully it gets approved. *fingers crossed*

life has still been rosy for me. syukur allhamdullilah. not considering the fact that financially wise i 'm  on the downside. ergh. its all because of my fine and the result of people not paying me back their debts. lesson to be learnt. don't borrow people large amount of money even if its your closest of friends for it will cause some tension and adversity just like mine. no matter how much i would like to ignore the fact that he seems to be avoiding the topic, the thing is i can't. not that i hate him. but more of disappointment. this is all about integrity and basic respect and responsibility. when you borrow someone else's money, you are responsible to pay him/her back. there's no need to let the other party know to pay you back right. so what does that say of you if you do otherwise. where's your integrity? its a total different complexion or rather situation if he/she offers to borrow you money. you get it right? but howells, i can wait. if i dont get it so be it. i'm not the kind that argues over money. easier said than done but i'm pretty sure i can do that.

aida.if you're reading this. loveyou! =)

loving every minute spent with you.

hope this will never change.

this is our fate, i'm yours.

. Kiss & Tell .

life's been really good to me but im not gonna be counting the chickens just yet for i hope better things will come soon. firstly, i can finally sleep at ease. i know i didnt mention that i got enlisted for army on the 5th june. WELL now i can happily say, IT GOT POSTPONED! AAAAAND. pes status is no longer under the obese category. phew. the thought of spending 2 years with obese people( nothing personal) is just really mindfreaking. the SMELL,oh my god. the smell. argh.hahaha.

oh oh. but there is bad news though. and it hit me real hard. a friend of mine(sort of) was diagnosed with diabetes. shit. and he's like in his late twenties. fuck. that gotta suck really bad. and doctor said he is gonna slip into a coma any time. the thing is he just got married a few months back. ahh. apparently the doctor said his diabetes is really bad. after absorbing all the details, i freaked out. so from now on. im gonna cut down on sweet drinks,fast food and all those unhealthy stuff. you guys should too. for life aint gonna be rosy all the way if you dont take care of it. 

PICTURE TIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

the things we do when we're bored.

. Rain no Shine .

Able to Breathe

part III

i felt her soft palm caressing my hair

gently weaving

passionately hypnotizing 

slowly i regained my consciousness

the scent of her perfume was overwhelming

getting a high which was nothing short of amusing

the spins in my head began to wither

my vision grew clearer

the settings around us was not enviable

but you and me,that close, was irreplaceable

i was awestruck

dumbfounded,

intrigued by your essence

your presence 

with hair matching your eye colour

smile like no other

i remember back then

you were like the apple of every other guy,even now

them around you,going crazy on the dance floor

but you undoubtedly 

showed them the door

not being choosy

but they were acting creepy

then glasses of martini

followed by shots of bacardi

i watched you spin around across the room

gracefully,care-freely 

like a ballet mistress

everyone else showed interest

i couldnt bring myself to get to know her

because im no knight in shining armour

not the kind who makes good first impression

one that i've got to live with,such a painful realisation

                                                                     ------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Weather's been really weird lately. freaking hot in the afternoon. an hour later it'll pour like nobody's business. because of this, i think im falling ill. my throat has been really sore for two days, nose is acting up. fuck. 

its been a week to forget. damn. got fined by NEA for littering. ass wipe mother fucker. i shall not go into details on that because it'll just make me mad. cheebye. then sprained my ankle really bad as you all know. that happened on wednesday. so its just as good as saying goodbye to my week and prolly the following week as well. this suck. everyone is dancing and drinking their ass off and i have to stay home rest my ankle. its not fair. ergh. fuck! but i guess im doing the right thing by resting my ankle as it will heal much faster. its looking pretty good now. but still i cant really walk comfortable and its puffed up as ever.

had a conversation about confessions. you know what? i've rarely confessed to a girl that i like her or some sort like that. wait. lemme think. if im not mistaken i think i've never. gosh. hahaha. my previous ex, we dated for a couple of months then sort of got together "mutually". hahaha. she was like "are we together?" hahaha. well i guess in my opinion confession is not necessary because like everyone says action speaks louder than words. buuuuuuuut. thats the tricky part. sometimes the other sex,for my instance the girl would misinterpret my intentions. usually ending up thinking im just a good sonofabitch whom is just a very helpful friend and thats it. damn. hahaha. well its not that bad but not too good. like i always said, to be my girl,you have to be my good friend. but usually after thinking im just a good friend, she'd walk away or show no more interest. there's where i fail. i'm too afraid to confess. hahahaha. fearing rejection. thats what i fear the most. my self confidence is an all time low when it involves a girl. bah. i know. its due to me not having the most sought after body or shall i say look. i dont make a good first impression kind of person. that suck man. its not that im cold or what but its just that im not attractive.hahaha. eventhough i think i am. heh. ego lah beb. but well its a fact anyways about the first impression thingy. so for me to confess to someone, i'd need to be really really sure. what i'm afraid after confessing is she'd like be err oh. ok. then never to be heard. MANGKOK OR WHAT.hahaha. anyways i am too lazy too type anymore. shall continue later tonight if god is willing or if i remember. adios amigos.

. Pop & Crack .

op & crack. these two sounds were the scariest thing i've ever heard in my entire life. imagine you snapping your two fingers by your ear. that was how loud it was. immediately i dropped on the ground clutching my ankle fearing the worst. for a moment i thought i just broke my ankle. it was so severe that there was immediate numbness on my right ankle. it twisted almost 90 degrees outwards. When i heard the pop sound, i felt my ankle being out of place momentarily. it seemed innocuous. everyone was congratulating me for the goal. i couldn't scream for help. it was as if my leg was on fire. luckily my team manager was there and he sensed something was wrong. they carried me to the side and i saw a huge ass bulge on the right of my ankle. it scared the shit out of me. sweating profusely.  took out my boots and socks, to my relieve i didn't see anything protruding or anything peculiar except for a swollen ankle. tried moving my toes, ahh. it moved. phew! of all the numerous of ankle injuries i had, this is by far the worst. the pain was unbearable to the point i cried. yes. i cried. fuck. it hurt like hell. back home at night, i couldn't sleep. kept hearing the pop & crack sound. it went for hours. ergh.  after taking a couple of painkillers i managed to sleep. woke up the next morning and my ankle looked like a puffer fish. last saturday i just twisted my left ankle and now this. and im still not mentally healed from that horrendous tackle. well maybe not horrendous but it was still scary nonetheless. it took me a few months on my last injury previously to be able to go in 50 50 tackles. now i'm not too sure if  i can bring myself to get my hands dirty in the field. never would i want to go through this experience again. we shall see huh. hopefully i'll get over it.

oh oh. ZOOO. was a much much more enjoyable trip than the one i had last year. it was kick ass fun though we missed most of the show but what the heck, it was fun. saw lotsa animals especially apes.haha.luck was really on our side that day. it really was. first it rained at about 530. right at the end of the day and then we realized Aida's handphone was missing. fuck. the moment it was confirmed, my heartbeat tripled. i was responsible for taking care of the phone and i've never ever done otherwise. i almost panicked. we decided to go to the children pool filled with balls. you know the plastic balls. yeah. we suspected it went missing there. once we reached there, man it was literally like finding a needle in a haystack. the chances of finding the phone was like 1/100. we began searching slowly, meticulously. GUESS WHAT. WE FOUND IT. wait more like AZLEEN FOUND IT.hahahha. everyone could just feel the tension in the air being relieved. ahhhhhhhhhhh. THANK YOU AZLEEN. YOU SAVED THE DAY.SORRY AIDA FOR MAKING YOU WORRY.bleah.

sorry haaaaa. lazy want to resize the pictures.heee

. Standard lines .

always seem to fall short on your ambitions.

always seem to be in a middle of manipulations.

dammit. sometimes i suck.

made my first fruit juice ever.weeee.ORANGE JUICE.mmmmmm. such a useful blender. gonna make lotsa juices. during lunch with family, my brother broke the news of his proposed engagement. LIKE FINALLY. (: 23rd august 08. so happy for him. huhuhu.

oh love hang on, if you're willing i'll be strong

and i'll give you the life that you deserve

i want you to know all of me

and i,I want to hold you,forever

oh love hang on,  ive got to say this right

cause i get only one shot once in my life

i want to grow old with you

and i want you to hold me,forever

do you think that you love me?

cause i do

do you want that forever?

cause i do

do you want me to brave this world for you? 

i do

. strive to Fail .

 its 0118 hrs and I'm doing absolutely nothing. crap. 

butterflies in my stomach. been awhile since i last had it. i thought i had it recently. but wasn't too sure. bleah. ahhh. damn. fuck. weeeeeeeeeee. think my brain's asleep. bye.

will you still love me in the morning?

. Able to breathe .

Part I

my head was spinning which made it hurt

all i could hear was distant cries for help

tiny little voices that just couldnt be left unheard

but as i inch closer to its direction

i inched further away.

when i closed my eyes

everything around me started to spin even faster.

the voices grew louder.

my heartbeat became increasingly incessant

pounding my head

everything else was non existent

but in the midst of all these

i could see you in your pink dress.

there you stood

unlike any damsel in distress

you seemed headstrong

nothing could possibly go wrong

never in a predicament

always in agreement

always full of grace

never seemed out of place

gleefully smiling

oh so beckoning

never has it failed

to send shivers down my spine

her hair never seemed entwined 

purest amongst purity

sanest amongst sanity

Part II

i toiled in my semi-consciousness 

making my way to her

but everything was a blur

then i realized i've had too much to drink

too much to think

the straight line that i thought i was walking

i was in fact ignoring

then it seemed like my lungs shut down on me

i kept coughing until i was able to breathe

things started to grow dim

losing focus and feeling limp

the next memory i had

she was caressing my head

we were so close

i could see myself in her pupils

i could feel her breathing

her heartbeat pulsating

like a rhythm of sweet nothings 

her voice sounded so pleasing

it sounded like lullabies

hushing me to sleep

all gone were those cries

none for me to keep

could this be a figment of my imagination?

is this a hallucination?

all those thoughts were running wild like ones youth

but i didn't want to know the truth

hah. random or whaaaaaaaaaaaaat.bye

. Best deceptions .

body's aching everywhere. so will you just leave. and let me be.

soccer is physically demanding. woke up in this morning with a sore body. my neck hurts like hell. there's a bump on my forehead as well as on my arm and foot. to cap things off, im down with a bout flu. my throats starting to be sore. ergh.the makings of a fever i reckon.

lost my house keys. what bout that. had to climb in back the house.bleaah. how am i suppose to get out tomorrow?

i heard about your regrets. 

i heard that you were feeling sorry

i heard from someone that you wish could set things right between us

well i guess should've heard that from you

don't you see that the charade is over

and all the best deceptions and the clever cover story awards go to you

so kiss me hard cause this will be the last time i let you

you will back someday

and this awkward kiss that screams of other people's lips

will be of service to keeping you away 

i'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers

i'll be alright when my hands get warm

ignoring the phone

i'd rather say nothing

i'd rather you never heard my voice

you're calling too late

too late to be gracious

you do not warrant long goodbyes

dashboard love

. Claustrophobia .

Hello blog. cannot seem to sleep so here i am again talking to you.

supposed to meet nasir for supper but damn he went to sleep. mangkok man. but howells its a good thing anyway. it feels great to spend time alone once in awhile and conjure random thoughts. well it lets me think and talk sense to myself. spending time with family and friends are always blissful but you've always got to keep sometime alone for yourself or you'll lose bearings of your direction and sensibility. i think i almost lost mine.

went to browse through my pictures folder. half of them taken(most are gone due to change of pc) are when im partying. wait NO its 3/4 of em. man. why eh? i still stand my ground in my belief that i am not the kind that dances. but then why am i still partying week in week out? ever since the new year partying has been a constant participator in my life. the strain i feel in my pockets are pretty obvious now. and me being jobless is certainly not relieving the strain by any means. intoxicating myself too has seen a significant rise in popularity. i wonder when will all this end. i know it has to end because its starting to take its toll on me.

but all of those are not among my main concerns. 

i've come to realise how far i've got since the last time i created such a big mess in the family. i'm proud enough to say reasonably well. not that im gonna put it to rest but i'm satisfied. i have always been the useless, hopeless, the sour amongst the sweets, the dumb amongst the intelligent. my childhood has never been an idealistic one to be told to ones child. well it could only after removing some details. though it would only be a 3 min long story. im never proud on how my childhood days was led. always the one causing my parents to nurse a heart ache. making a mockery out of my dads name. its not that easy having a dad like mine as every single little mistake you do will be judged out of proportion.just because of the position he holds. but ive never blamed him for all my ill-advised deviation. ive always held responsible for all the things ive done. but sometimes thats just not good enough. then there was the case of verbal abuse.well its not that abusive as compared to the ones you read on the news or watch on tv.imagine every single day being called bodoh. it will get into your system. repetition is not healthy.  it got to me and it felt like shit. i lacked self belief to strive in anything i do, i lacked courage. lying became second nature.every single day its almost certain there will be a lie i'd make up. stealing was like borrowing. there came to a point of time when everyone just gave up on me to change and stop trusting me. i almost gave up on myself too.it hurt so bad knowing your family don't you anymore.if your family doesnt then who will?all those sins became a habit. but  i just couldn't take the burden of causing my parents to worry and getting angry. they are old. the risk of heart attack are very likely.i just cant imagine living my life without them and i'm the sort who just hates causing negative emotions such as anger disappointment and so on. i can never live with it knowing ive caused such hatred and disappointment and in turn not being able to make things up. i needed to start believing in myself. in order to succeed, first you have to believe that you can do it and that starts in your heart. 

thats where everything started to change. that was after my olevels if im not mistaken. at that point of time my childhood has been the one that was pulling me back but i learnt to use it as an inspiration, pillar of strength and my motivation. that brought me to where i am now. even though im far from where i dreamt i would be but its good enough for now. at least im not like those mat reps you know. with their tattoos and all.

everything's smooth sailing now. my smile is not a facade but a true reflection of how im feeling. not a bitter tainted picture. i feel smart. hahahaha. 

now you can say wow this guy is so depressing. no im not. i tend to learn my emotions much later than appreciated for i am a cautious person. nyeh . i'm happy, elated, benign, selfless. tak tau malu pe aku ni. hahahaha.

ahhh. so shiok to just type type type eventhough my chair is not as comforting as i would have wanted.

shit.i can just sense the presence of national service duty. dreadful. its gonna be one hell of a change that i really need to get use to. ns is such an ass. its holding me back. cant get a job for nuts. all want to hire guys that has already served their time even part time job.

now it would be nice to have someone now. to share my delight, my worries, my desires. just to have someone to talk to. going through new experiences with, giving me strength, the whole cycle of emotions. going through ups and downs hand in hand. earning trust. trust.the essential ingredient to everything that concerns a relationship. and im not only referring to an intimate relationship. it can absolutely any kind of relationship you can think of. a partnership, work, friendship, pets, everything. you just can't get anywhere with it. sadly enough for me, ive faltered whenever it comes to a relationship concerning the other gender. it sucked knowing  that i thought i did enough but yet it still didnt work out. i really wish to have a long lasting relationship. the trust that you have to build the love that you have to maintain. before you love someone you've gotta trust that person. in order to trust that person you've gotta know her/him well enough. my ex use to say no use trusting anyone because the only person you can trust is yourself. well there's trusting someone with your brains and the other without. so yeahh.  

back to where i was. thats why its always difficult for me to trust my feelings for someone. they say its insecurity. perhaps they are true. but i definitely believe its due to my obsession with assessing every single detail. thats where i'll always be second best and losing that certain someone. the most recent was that girl i met way back in '06. she was just oh so amazing. soft spoken, confident, smart, independent yet i did not make the move or do anything to let her know of my feelings. bleah. it sucked. no use dwelling on it. my emotions has always been obscure. fuck.  for me an ideal girlfriend/wife would be my bestfriend. one where i can be absolutely comfortable with and not have much worry when she's around. one where trust is not a foreign task and happiness is in abundance like air.i've given up on the "she must be 4 years younger 5"6 blah blah blah" criteria. 

buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. my brain tells me now is not the right time to get involved in such things becauuuuuuuuuuse i am going away soooon. for two years. now that would be a daunting task wouldnt it? to maintain a relationship that is. if i were to go to ns with a long relationship in hand that would be quite ok. but lets say we just got together and i were to go off. damn. not smart. is it not? anyone care to shed some light on this? whatever it is im not rushing. but im certainly waiting patiently. i loooooooooooove you more than you'll ever know. and part of meeeeeeeee dieeed when i let youuuuuuuuuuuu go. lifehouse.love.hahaha.random or what. ni la tandanya tgh bored. eh aida bila nak balik. aku boring lah.ahahaha.talking about her. man who would've thought she listens to sheilaon7. a fanatic pulak tu. hahahahah. daaamn. memories. sheilaon7. of all people aida. hahahhaa. very weird. daaaaaaaaaaaaan buat akuuuu tersenyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum.

OKAY. I WANT TO GO DO SOMETHING ELSE. MY FINGER IS GETTING NUMB ESPECIALLY MY ASS.

. Revisited .

damn. after looking at my previous entries in the past year, i feel like such a wuss. really. all those emotions. goddamn. maybe its just the phase huh.hahaha. well as for now i dont think i'm any where near being like that. you said, how i portray myself in real life compared to the digital world is different. that made me think. and you know what i realized. you're right. most of it lah. but i guess thats just how i express myself. like i said , im very cautious. even when it comes to handling of ones emotions.haha. i know. weird. so i tend to assess it later on and blog it. but whatever i blog is according to the timeline. it may seem like my emotions are running high be it angry when im blogging but it doesnt necessarily mean so. usually im refering to the emotions i was feeling at the point of time when that event was taking place.

so ya. im still a happy person. i still dont know how to scream at someone, i still dont know how to argue like tengking2 that all. people may say waa bagus eh dekni. but let me shed some light for all of you. its not as greeen as the grass and not as blue as the sky. in fact, not being abel to do so has caused me nothing but problems and issues. mostly girlfriends taking advantage of me. weargh. stupid arseholes. when given a chance to have a matured relationship you threw it all away. you kept comparing me. bleah. i hate comparison. howells thats like what? 5 months ago. 

as for now i can do whatever i want. yeah. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

lulu's overseas, nasir is still controlled by her. now how bout that? amazing yes.hahahaha

never meant to make you angry.

stay only if you want to not because you think its only right for all that has happened.

. Nothing can be achieved with ease .

Yesterday's Ubin trip turned out to be much more eventful then i expected.huhu.

it started off way differently from what i imagined it in my head.but well you cant really plan all these things. and at least we ended up at the spot where we all planned to be. thats what matters most.getting lost is fun but it is not when you have tons of hand luggage with you.

as soon as we were there,everything was running smoothly.pitching of tents,setting up campfire.woohooo. set up campfire.tho halfway i kinda got tired.hahaha.penat juga nak start fire.hahahha

cooked lunch,played the guitar till evening. 

played the 1 2 3 4 game bodoh tu.hahahaha.intriguing man.hahahahaha.hahahahhahahaha. then captains ball. sing along sessions.weeeeeeeeeee. now that was a moment to saviour. sang our hearts content out.

she almost made me lose my cool but i prevailed and told myself no,thats not the right thing to do.thats not what she needs now. in fact that was the last thing that she needed. being left alone for the night there. now that can be sucky.

nothing can be achieved with ease .its not gonna be easy but at least it is as compared to the route she is taking. and its gonna take a lot of patience and will some of the days really get to us. 

but now that you've apologize,there's no grudge or ill feelings anymore. you trust me?

hope you do. cause you really ought to.

show me that you can.

1 2 apek  4

1 kamal 2 3 and 4.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

. walks around in circles in my head .

its been long overdue this post.

a quick update for what has happened for the past few months.

nothing much.huhuhu. disgusted with myself on how i coped with the past major event that happened on the month of november. you know. the break up.when i read back those entries, i was aghast. ive always been the one telling my friends theres no need to fight for something that wants to go away for i believe in fate. but there i was moaning,whining, depressed,upset. for? a measly relationship that i realised wasnt that fruitful. the only thing that i could bring out from that event would be i learnt im not that strong headed as i thought i was. at that point of time i felt really vulnerable.goddammit im such a loser.

i guess i was just to obsessed with my concern of not being able to maintain a long relationship and that was where it got to me. 

was kinda embrassing but at least i realised it was a mistake and i put down an oath to try my best not to be such a loser next time.

ive always been an optimistic sonofabitch and i know i still am. this is where i need to learn. to learn to cope with all the changes in my life. i aint 16 no more. im already 20. thats the point of time in everyone's life where there will be tons of changes. such as on how you lead your life, socialising.

not to fret. i believe in myself that i will do just fine. in fact ill breeze through this transition seamlessly.

nowadays life's been good to me. met new people. just what  i needed. been kept busy with errands, vacations,soccer,friends.

met this girl and nowadays we're close. to keep things short on what i think of her, she is this gem just waiting to be unearth and polished to turn into a finshed product.i was really concerned with her problems. never have i met someone that had such difficulties and hard luck. hopefully ive done enough to help her through that rough patch. at that point of time told myself it will be such a shame if she stays like this because she deserves more. she deserves to be held in great esteem or affection, A GEM. 

people say always look to the future for when you keep looking back it will only bring you down. thats a good advice. but what i believe is you can never neglect what you have done in the past and be ignorant. that way you will never learn from your past wrongdoings and thus will not help you in the future. look back but dont dwell on it.

a succesfull person is someone that always picks himself up after failing no matter how bad it is and also going through a lot of obstacles in life is actually the most recommended path rather than going the easier way. its as good as running away form your troubles. with every obstacle you overcome, youll be stronger and wiser.

wahwah.mcm mana nya psychologist eh.hahaha.

but yeah. now that im not troubled by anything, im able to say all this and i love helping people out when they are in need because i know when i was in need they were there for me regardless when.

its imperative that i maintain this levelheadedness.

UBIN HERE I COME!WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

sheilaon7 love