. Claustrophobia .

Hello blog. cannot seem to sleep so here i am again talking to you.

supposed to meet nasir for supper but damn he went to sleep. mangkok man. but howells its a good thing anyway. it feels great to spend time alone once in awhile and conjure random thoughts. well it lets me think and talk sense to myself. spending time with family and friends are always blissful but you've always got to keep sometime alone for yourself or you'll lose bearings of your direction and sensibility. i think i almost lost mine.

went to browse through my pictures folder. half of them taken(most are gone due to change of pc) are when im partying. wait NO its 3/4 of em. man. why eh? i still stand my ground in my belief that i am not the kind that dances. but then why am i still partying week in week out? ever since the new year partying has been a constant participator in my life. the strain i feel in my pockets are pretty obvious now. and me being jobless is certainly not relieving the strain by any means. intoxicating myself too has seen a significant rise in popularity. i wonder when will all this end. i know it has to end because its starting to take its toll on me.

but all of those are not among my main concerns. 

i've come to realise how far i've got since the last time i created such a big mess in the family. i'm proud enough to say reasonably well. not that im gonna put it to rest but i'm satisfied. i have always been the useless, hopeless, the sour amongst the sweets, the dumb amongst the intelligent. my childhood has never been an idealistic one to be told to ones child. well it could only after removing some details. though it would only be a 3 min long story. im never proud on how my childhood days was led. always the one causing my parents to nurse a heart ache. making a mockery out of my dads name. its not that easy having a dad like mine as every single little mistake you do will be judged out of proportion.just because of the position he holds. but ive never blamed him for all my ill-advised deviation. ive always held responsible for all the things ive done. but sometimes thats just not good enough. then there was the case of verbal abuse.well its not that abusive as compared to the ones you read on the news or watch on tv.imagine every single day being called bodoh. it will get into your system. repetition is not healthy.  it got to me and it felt like shit. i lacked self belief to strive in anything i do, i lacked courage. lying became second nature.every single day its almost certain there will be a lie i'd make up. stealing was like borrowing. there came to a point of time when everyone just gave up on me to change and stop trusting me. i almost gave up on myself too.it hurt so bad knowing your family don't you anymore.if your family doesnt then who will?all those sins became a habit. but  i just couldn't take the burden of causing my parents to worry and getting angry. they are old. the risk of heart attack are very likely.i just cant imagine living my life without them and i'm the sort who just hates causing negative emotions such as anger disappointment and so on. i can never live with it knowing ive caused such hatred and disappointment and in turn not being able to make things up. i needed to start believing in myself. in order to succeed, first you have to believe that you can do it and that starts in your heart. 

thats where everything started to change. that was after my olevels if im not mistaken. at that point of time my childhood has been the one that was pulling me back but i learnt to use it as an inspiration, pillar of strength and my motivation. that brought me to where i am now. even though im far from where i dreamt i would be but its good enough for now. at least im not like those mat reps you know. with their tattoos and all.

everything's smooth sailing now. my smile is not a facade but a true reflection of how im feeling. not a bitter tainted picture. i feel smart. hahahaha. 

now you can say wow this guy is so depressing. no im not. i tend to learn my emotions much later than appreciated for i am a cautious person. nyeh . i'm happy, elated, benign, selfless. tak tau malu pe aku ni. hahahaha.

ahhh. so shiok to just type type type eventhough my chair is not as comforting as i would have wanted.

shit.i can just sense the presence of national service duty. dreadful. its gonna be one hell of a change that i really need to get use to. ns is such an ass. its holding me back. cant get a job for nuts. all want to hire guys that has already served their time even part time job.

now it would be nice to have someone now. to share my delight, my worries, my desires. just to have someone to talk to. going through new experiences with, giving me strength, the whole cycle of emotions. going through ups and downs hand in hand. earning trust. trust.the essential ingredient to everything that concerns a relationship. and im not only referring to an intimate relationship. it can absolutely any kind of relationship you can think of. a partnership, work, friendship, pets, everything. you just can't get anywhere with it. sadly enough for me, ive faltered whenever it comes to a relationship concerning the other gender. it sucked knowing  that i thought i did enough but yet it still didnt work out. i really wish to have a long lasting relationship. the trust that you have to build the love that you have to maintain. before you love someone you've gotta trust that person. in order to trust that person you've gotta know her/him well enough. my ex use to say no use trusting anyone because the only person you can trust is yourself. well there's trusting someone with your brains and the other without. so yeahh.  

back to where i was. thats why its always difficult for me to trust my feelings for someone. they say its insecurity. perhaps they are true. but i definitely believe its due to my obsession with assessing every single detail. thats where i'll always be second best and losing that certain someone. the most recent was that girl i met way back in '06. she was just oh so amazing. soft spoken, confident, smart, independent yet i did not make the move or do anything to let her know of my feelings. bleah. it sucked. no use dwelling on it. my emotions has always been obscure. fuck.  for me an ideal girlfriend/wife would be my bestfriend. one where i can be absolutely comfortable with and not have much worry when she's around. one where trust is not a foreign task and happiness is in abundance like air.i've given up on the "she must be 4 years younger 5"6 blah blah blah" criteria. 

buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. my brain tells me now is not the right time to get involved in such things becauuuuuuuuuuse i am going away soooon. for two years. now that would be a daunting task wouldnt it? to maintain a relationship that is. if i were to go to ns with a long relationship in hand that would be quite ok. but lets say we just got together and i were to go off. damn. not smart. is it not? anyone care to shed some light on this? whatever it is im not rushing. but im certainly waiting patiently. i loooooooooooove you more than you'll ever know. and part of meeeeeeeee dieeed when i let youuuuuuuuuuuu go. lifehouse.love.hahaha.random or what. ni la tandanya tgh bored. eh aida bila nak balik. aku boring lah.ahahaha.talking about her. man who would've thought she listens to sheilaon7. a fanatic pulak tu. hahahahah. daaamn. memories. sheilaon7. of all people aida. hahahhaa. very weird. daaaaaaaaaaaaan buat akuuuu tersenyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum.

OKAY. I WANT TO GO DO SOMETHING ELSE. MY FINGER IS GETTING NUMB ESPECIALLY MY ASS.