. True Love waits .

New  Zealand was such a blissful trip. fantastic place. so peaceful. the entire 11 days i was there, i completely forgot all about my worries. it really set my mind at ease. just what i needed. it made me think straight. ahhhhh. gerek.haha

beautiful scenery. beautiful people. especially the ladies. rrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

i've stopped practising my sweet nothings to you. 

but yet i believe true love waits.

no more headaches, no more depression, no more heartaches, no more nonsense. im back and im gonna be whack.

fuck out.

. True Love waits .

.My sweet nothing.

im scared to be alone.

i thought you were scared.

i guess it was me all along.

im petrified to be alone.

you chose the right word. scared. i am.

but what i have in my head is all wishfull thinking.

i'll never achieve it. you're gone for good.

im still gonna believe otherwise until i recieve a word from you to confirm it.

.Come back down.

straing back a face

a memory cant be erased

I know, because I tried
Start to feel the emptiness
And everything I'm gonna miss
I know, that I can't hide

All this time is passing by
I think it's time to just move on

When you come back down
If you land on your feet
I hope you find a way to make it back to me
When you come around
I'll be there for you
Don't have to be alone with what you're going through

Start to breathe and fake a smile
It's all the same after a while
I know, that you are tired
Carrying the ones you lost
A picture frame with all the thoughts
I know, you hold inside

I hope that you can find your way back
To the place where you belong

When you come back down
If you land on your feet
I hope you find a way to make it back to me
When you come around
I'll be there for you
Don't have to be alone with what you're going through

You're coming back down
You say you feel lost can I help you find it
When you come around
From time to time we all are blinded
You're coming back down
You don't have to tell me what you're feeling
I know what you're going through
I won't be the one that lets go of you

I think it's time to just move on

When you come back down
If you land on your feet
I hope you find a way to make it back to me
When you come around
I'll be there for you
Don't have to be alone with what you're going through

When you come back down
If you land on your feet
I hope you find a way to make it back to me
When you come around
I'll be there for you
Don't have to be alone with what you're going through

i believe.

.imissyou.

i missyou so much.

like how the desert misses the water.

i needyou so much.

like how the plant needs the sun.

been drinking all this while to just drown my sorrows away. to drown my emptiness.i dont know why im thinking of you all the time.it burns like the poison in the pill. everyday i wake up,ill always sleep back after seeing no messages from you. no intention to meet the day knowing im not seeing you.been terrible all this way knowing i dont have you. you can say "ahh, he's just like this because of his ego or this will end soon". everynight i pray, hoping the next time i open my eyes, you've figure out what you want and what you need. and that is me.boldly,ill say to you this.i dont want to run away anymore.

i tried not acknowledge you just now when i came down to parkway. i tried to pretend i didnt care. but i just couldnt. i know charlene told you what i told her just now. its just the fact i can't bring myself to tell you that.

call me psychotic,stalker,wierdo,desperate or whatever you want. because i know im not. all i want is you. there is no one else.who can take your place.

i greatfully miss your laughter, your pinches, your mood swings, your stubborness.your everything.

just now we were talking about kamal's birthday bash. and it reminded me that was the first time we actually went out together.we started to see each other. i still remember that night when we were outside mos,sitting on the curb of the sidewalk, you said"i still wanna party". and i asked belle for your number cause i didnt have the guts to ask it from you.then we went out for the first time, we went to far east.to east coast to eat.rojak. i still remember that.sat  we were walking thru the new build thingy dont know what its called and i gave some money to the handicapped elderly, and you said how sweet of me to do that.down at the ridge and just talked and talked.then came the twist about someone disagreeing us seeing each other. we fought through it.we were still unsure about what was going on between us then you came over to my place. i kissed you and you said"what was that for?"i told you "it doesnt matter" and continued. brought you to take the dhl ballooon. ate at arab st. went to the zoo for the whole day.

all of that is still vivid in my mind. thats how much i cherish it. thats how much you mean to me.

sigh.

you're like a burning candle. a gentle wind will blow off the flame away.thats how precious and fragile your love is. its so meticulous.

my friends now dont even bother to listen to me when i tell them how im feeling now because ive been saying it since the day we called it quits.every single day.

im not trying to win your sympathy here but just so that you know.by the time you read this prolly im in newzealand already.but it doesnt matter. just as long as you read it.

my dear fuzzy wuzzy, pinky bear misses you dearly and he cares for you still greatly.he still longs to hold you tight and gaze the night sky with you.it hurts not being with you and i can't take it anymore.

pinky bear

.imissyou.

.Distraught i am.

she's not gonna see me before i go off.honestly it breaks my heart.

but then again why should i be broken hearted. we are not together anymore. we are simply just friends. i need to get it in my system.WE ARE JUST FRIENDS.god.

why is it so difficult for me this time. why am i not itching to leave. why am i still lingering around. i have to end this. its killing me sometimes.yes sometimes.sometimes she just pops up in my head. it is so vivid,the image stays there for a long time. it drives me crazy.i need to move on. like real quick. she's not coming back. why am i being such an idiot.i know she's not coming back.why am i being so melodramatic.FUCK I HATE THIS.FUCKING HATE THIS.

then they say im being denial to my feelings.im just trying to prevent myself from getting hurt they say.AM I?

am i not suppose to move on?

am i not suppose to believe she's not coming back?

am i not suppose to stop thinking of her?

they say i should get back to her. they say it seems i regretted calling it quits.

are they right?

will this haunt me?

have i made the wrong decision?

they say im being delusional.

they say ive wasted 6months of my life.HA

im afraid to tell you that i made the wrong decisions if thats true.

im afraid to tell you that im still in love with you if thats true.

im afraid you'll just push me away, i know thats true.

im afraid you'll take me as one desperate hopeless guy,i hope thats not true.

im afraid im gonna get hurt if i tell you ive made a mistake in letting you go.

im afraid you'll just walk away.

the last part may be inevitable. thats why im afraid to do anything now even if its gonna haunt me for god knows how long.

i thank god everynight that we still keep in touch. i thank god that nothing sour happened after i call it quits. i dont want to do anything that will rattle or even make me lose what we are having now. i dont want to ask for too much. 

oh fucking god. why am i sounding such a melodramatic loser.

maybe im just being delusional. but one thing's for sure. im still not over you.

and ive gotta figure out why.

. My Enigma .

ive got to deal with it she says.

help me out wont you?

chose me over him she says

love me then will you?

its always the same for me. i feel like giving up everything. every single thing that i desire. because it seems i can never seem to get it no matter how hard i try. ill always fall back down hard. i feel like giving you up. it seems i cant get you to loveme.it seems i cant give you what you need.it seems i falter at everything i do. it seems im not right for you. it seems hopeless to me.

but you know what made me do otherwise. its how much i care for you,how much i love you. that what made me stay and try really hard to make things work. if not we would never have had those conversations. if not i wouldnt be typing this. i spent every odd night lying on my bed thinking what i can do to make things work or where did i go wrong.all i ever think of now is you.i dont know what it takes for you to be sure again. sure what you're feeling towards me. ill do whatever it takes. but i need you to do the same for me too because we're in this together. i want you to find that feeling in you.i want you start asking yourselves questions. that feeling that has been eluding you for so long. so long you get lost.

lets start afresh baby. lets forget the past and think about tomorrow on what we can do to keep this alive. to write a beautiful story.lets not make things complicated anymore. let it just be us and only us.

. so dont go away say what you say, say that you'll stay, forever and a day in the time of our lives.cause i need more time. yes i need more time just to make things right.

remember that song?well it sure do strike alot of relevance to us dont it?

MY ENIGMA

hidden underneath me i see nothing

now shadow is my only friend

and fear becomes paranoia

come talk to me 

will you be

my enigma

the hidden truth wont be revealed

but i know our love was real

burn inside

im not losing you

im not losing you

crying inside

im not losing you

im not losing you

this incarceration,

these walls ive build around me

im tired of hoping.

this enigma is pinning me

did he whisper sweet nothings to you?

were you the reason for him to see tomorrow?

were you his enigma?

you're my only hope

lets start over again if we need to

because

chorus

lets start over

and make things right

i know we can

i know we will

chorus

. whispering sweet nothings .

fasting month's here.fats please go away.

hmm.nothing's been going on. not much to excite too. works been on hold. got some shit going on there. too lazy to bother for now.

then there is my situation. always i can never run away from such. it pains for me to know that always the only thing i can blame is for myself.

people say i ought to make it about me more often then always bout her. well i agree to that but i think it should be about us. it never was huh?i've always been afraid of being unreasonable to you huns. thats why i seldom say things that might prevent you from doing things no matter how much it kills me. never have i been so lost.you will never know how much thought have i been putting in everything about this. us you me.everynight is pain stricken because its as if ive got alot in my mind. still i will just lie down on my bed and ask myself lots and lots of questions.maybe im just thinking too much. but i think you can take it all away by giving me answers and also giving me the chance to ask you and show you.

you know the other day when we spoked about the situation, at that point of time, i was just scared. fearing the worst. fearing things aren't in my hands anymore. waiting ive done for so many times. but always to no avail.my heart shrunk.

then there's that guy. i dunno what the heck is going on down there. but all i know is i hate it when you keep things from me. i just hate it. the more you keep things from me the more i will dig. the less you say the more i will think.who is this guy anyway? he just appeared from nowhere. and suddenly you both out on a date. i resent that you know. i think that is disrespectful of you to do so. not that you cant go out with your friends but on how you handled it. you were keeping me in the dark for way too long. i felt like screaming at you. i knew that guy somehow spelled trouble from the day that i found out he was pestering you to go clubbing with you. then pestering you to meet him or whatever not. i know more then you think huns. not that im trying to act smart here but i think i ought to be told more. i just dont want to make things worst. as if its not bad enough.

when i ask you who you're meeting or called you etc, dont ever say you're friend. please. i just dont like it.

i know you're past has been haunting you everyday. but i think its about time you leave it all behind and start afresh with me baby. because without that you're not giving me any chance of succeeding. there will always be a fallback for you and that leave me no chance.i know it was a tough past but hey, everyone got their demons and sins in the past but its how they moved one that made them a better person and i know you can do that too.

and lastly. i wouldnt want to pressure you on anything. but i know i am. its all because you left with me no choice. im dying in here you know that. wondering whats gonna happen tomorrow. 

im not gonna give up on you easily. cause i know you're worth the while. because you're my fuzzy wuzzy. hope you read this.

. whispering sweet nothings .

.losing it.

hope we're not losing it.

thats what i can't help myself but thinking are we.but at the end of the day ill always think we're fine due to my optimism.its killing me this. everynight for the past few days i cant seem to have a goodnight rest. after so ill always wake up damn early.everynight im troubled by this.all im asking for is for you to be sure.

i dont know about you but im not going anywhere until you tell me so. im here to stay.

i know i'm not like your previous.i may not have means of personal transport to pick you up and send you home. i may not stay out with you till late everynight. i may not pick up a fight with you.i may not be like your previous where they would call you all the time to check up on you.
it sucks big time knowing i cant be late out at night all the time. every time when i go out with you all i hope for is for me not needing to go home that early so i can just be with you longer.

but one things for sure, for all that i know ive got the purest heart of all. whatever ive done and said are true.i may not show you that i care a lot or for that matter,love, but i really do.i care for you for as much as you canthink of.

im always true eventhough at times my action means otherwise. .

i dont want to throw this away crystal marie my fuzzy wuzzy. not that im desperate but for i love,need,want,dote,adore you.

everynight before i sleep i would hope somehow i could hug you

there's no one holding us back now. only ourselves.







if only you could read whats in my head, you would clearly understand whats going on in my head.

until tomorrow never comes.
love,
haikal

.Painful Realisations.

sometimes its very hard to swallow the things you hear about you,regardless the nature or truthfullness of it.

its like drinking a glass of glass pieces.painful yet after managing to do so its an accomplishment and you'll feel satisfied.you make me move. move to make me realise all the stupid little things that i do. its painful to know yes but grateful to learn from it.

i've stepped into a journey ive longing for so long. almost 2 years now. to be loved. i never had that feeling for so long. now that i have, it feels so  enlightening.

ive always thought it would be easy but now ive learnt im not doing a good job at it. wait not good job, more of a decent job. ive always thought i knew everything that i needed to know to be a good boyfriend or others would prefer to call it companion. whatever it is, i've come to realise i suck at it. big time. 

im sorry if im not what you had in mind. im sorry if i dont meet up to your expectations. not as if its demanding but i know its normal expectations. thats what made it hurt more. i cant even satisfy you with the simplest of tasks. like waking up on time. im sorry if im really different from the others that you had. im sorry if i disappoint you so often.im sorry if im not around all the time.what kills me is to know that all the things ive let you down are things that a 5 year old could do. that hit me hard.

i dont blame you if you ever doubted this.us.me.

because it feels as if i've got SO little to offer. so little that it seems ridiculous.at times i feel so worthless and lousy.but hold that thought as i know i can give you more. more then anything we couldve imagine.its a big blow to my confidence but not to my determination. 

but being sorry is not enough. i need to show you that i can meet up to your expectations. i want to.and i will.

even so. i cant be everything. because at the end of the day im still haikal. im still the guy that you met at mas ayu.the guy who was trying to find his feet.but everything that you've seen of me is not a facade.i've been true all this while.

maybe one thing could explain all this mishaps. its been really a long time since i last had someone to hold on,dote,love,whatever not. 

you dont have to give me time. ill make it as quick as possible. and only time will tell if i succeed. succeed in convincing you and myself that im not lousy.

you really touch me and made me realise the effort you have put in to make me happy. just like today to surprise me at work. ive put in effort too but i think its  not enough

it hurt me cause ive disappoint you. it touch me cause i loveyou.it bothers me cause i care and it kills me cause i just want to be with you.

. dont worry.

don't worry too much. worrying is not worth the time.

you didnt hurt me but just affected my mood. thats all.

hope what i said didnt eat you up. hope it made you understand what i feeel.

we'll see what we can do from here then. anything is possible.

we'll just have to embrace ourselves.

---------------------------------------------

i don't need this.

this feeling inside of me

this feeling i can feel

the sensation inside of me

its not okay

these pictures in my room

they're facing inside out

collaborates what i feel

its not okay

and i dont think

you'd understand this

and i dont think

you'd believe me

cause i dont need all of this

none what i would have miss

noooo

cause i dont neeed all of this

the song still not done yet.

. finally its over .

school's done.

celebrate.

got sick.

whoopeedoo.

the condition im in now maybe isnt helping our situation baby. im sorry if ive been over-sensitive and moody at times. its just i seek attention from you sometimes. and all i need is reassurance. i don't know if its bothering you but it does to me. we need to understand each other. thats all i think we need to do.

we don't need this pesky lil arguments to spoil each others mood cause i certainly dont like it.

the past week has been hell for me. late and sleepless nights. stress. datelines.

everytime when i get to seeyou is a blessing. it made my day. no matter how terrible it is.

and i wouldnt want that to change.

i know you've been having mood swings lately, but sometimes i get disappointed or hurt because you tend to say negative things. i can't help  but to swallow it. 

like i said, im different from the other guys you've dated. you've got to understand this part of me. eventhough i know you dont mean it. i'll still get hurt by it.

and i know you're different too. thats why up till now im still trying to understand every single detail of you.

remember last time i said in an entry that things are suppose to be  beautiful but a lil more carefree.

well it is now. maybe not that carefree because of my school. i hope you wont judge me from what you've seen the past month or so. im not usually like this. i want  to show you more. only if you let me.

i want to let you hear more.only if you let me. and i want the same back too.

sometimes when im disappointed or angry, i just can't find the words on how to tell you. at the same time i wouldnt want to because im afraid it might hurt you. hurting me alone i can take it but hurting you i can't. i still believe this story of us can be a much more beautiful one. we just need to find the right pen and book.

hopefully after reading this you'll understand me a lil bit more and hopefully when you call i can find the words to explain to you whatever you want to know. ill tell you the things that i dont like to avoid all this unnecessary tiffs.

the clouds above us is clearing up. so we shall dance in this balcony and NO i wont let go of you. not just yet. im still sticking to it.

. never .

still digesting those words you said. maybe you didnt mean it in the way i think it was but it hurt.

don't know whats up with me. insecurities is the problem i guess.

. false interpretations.

anyone knows where i can buy sleep?

i need one nowwwwwwwwwwwwwww

|:

i would like to order a 12 hour sleeping package.

to go please.

ergh. out of stock

.she's all that i want.

i just want to be with you every single minute and roll around in bed with you.

.Losing sleep.

two more weeks and bye bye SAE.(: gonna be really pressed on with the final recording which i will be recording my original(: no iwon't. wee.

how i wish i could be at different places at the same time. tied up with school, then there's soccer, then work at times, family,her and friends. haiyaa. leceh leh. but i just hope you'll always understand my reasons when i cant seeyou. i would grab any opportunity that has been cast upon me to seeyou. but its just school with the last minute things to do makes it kinda hard. it really killed me when i had to cancel meeting up with you. it just did.

and i can foresee that it will not be the last. with work soon to come. i got a feeling ill be busy more often. we justgot to really understand each other's situation and always cherish the moments when we are together. thats what i always believe. i know it'll be hard for you to get use to me being very busy but i just hope you will.but whatever it is ill always do whatever it takes to seeyou even for one moment.cause it beats then not seeing you at all. taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

.no,i dont want to go.

shopping in kl was a bliss.pampered myself with 10 tops.(:
love it.

3 days felt like eternity.not seeing you was terrible. but then again that trip made things alot more clearer for us.i reckon that. dont you?

it sort of brightened our dimly lighted streets. it swept away all the leaves that were blocking our way.it made us stronger in a way.
i just had to seeyou immediately once i set foot in singapore and the moment i saw you all the tiredness from the trip went away.you give me energy(:
but the nightmare isnt over. just today got a word from my sister my national service enlistment has arrived. my heart sank. sank so deep its deeper then err. deeper then the deepest. it was heart wrenching. haiyaaaa. why cant it come much later. but howells. on the brightside the faster i finish it the better yeah? well baby. we gotta be strong. and surely we will prevail in this such pain in the ass obstacles. loveyou.

lets hold hands and go for a trip(:

.gone not for too long.

was enlightening to meet old friends today.caught a movie with them.

then afterwhich met up with my love, kamal. i kinda feel so proud of him. he's in army now and seemed to be learning stuff. went to sheesha for a moment then went to vie bar to finish up my bottle. got a lil high.(:

midthrough my baby,love,honey,sayang,FUZZY WUZZY. thank you my love for dropping by. i know you were tired.seeing you made my day. and to seeyou look oh so darn nice made it much worthwhile. you looked magnificent.(: if only i could fold you into my bag and bring you to kl and we can have a real good time shopping with my mom.(:

the feeling is wierd.unexplainable.whenever i seeyou. my heart light up till it melts. make my tummy go round and round. make me smile. make me have butterflies in my stomach. my friend once told me to live a life that people would love to read about. and i would like to have your name written in that life of mine. regardless the duration. every second spent with you will always be kept in a small diary in my heart. every action you make is captured in my brain.every second lost is a heartache. i could spend the whole night just being with you and not say anything but just listen to you breathe. i can see us together as one. i can see us together and be free. no one is holding us back. the people watching above us in this long drop has a big smile and not having any worries. they shouldnt. cause my heart has settled down. settled down right outside your door. waiting forever for that door of yours to be unlocked and open. i would wait for as long as i could to wait for that door of yours to be unlocked and be with you. nothing is a farfetched attempt when it concerns you. you can say all you want that this is all sweet words i would say cause its the "honeymoon period". but i would like to prove that wrong. im not like any of your previous ones. im not anyway the same. not one bit. i will want to show you the real meaning of love. how its supposed to be.how beautiful it is. not like how you've been through.its gonna be beautiful epic story.i promise you this.

sometimes you scare me when you say your'e scared if whether i can take you as you. but i will telll you for sure, im up for it.

at certain times i might feel uncertain about things happening that involves me. but you.when you turn up everything seems secure.its that security that ive been vying for. none of which ive gotten. but only you. you somehow have that.

gonna be away for a short period of time. but its gonna be long without you by myside. gonna missyou so much but my love for you would still be strong as ever.hugs.

goodbye everyone.im high(:

.EightofNine.

Reassurance is what we both need. im always gonna give you that.


i'll break that barrier but you have to give me the right tools to do so.

i'll need to be given directions to that barrier.i'll do whatever it takes to break it.

lets open up an empty book and write down a whole new story bout us.

lets hold hands and never let go. i want to spend my day with you and not worry bout time.

i won't let go of you. no i wont.cause i'm in love with my fuzzy wuzzy.

.Feel me.

my back hurts really bad. im hungry.sleepy. back is really sore

.No i won't.

i spent the whole night
cant stop waiting for you
but i think you wont be home tonight
to hold on you tight.
i cant wait for one day
where you'll end up at my place.
and never worry about time.
feelings occur when you're in love
so will you take my hand
cause
no i won't let go of all the things that we have.
no i wont give up of you not just yet
in this balcony we shall dance
once the clouds above us clears up
forever in you i will get lost
forever in me you'll be free
even if i know i might fall ill go on nonetheless
its never a far-fetched attempt when it concerns us
tomorrow will always be surprise
you just have to embrace yourself
for the worst, for the best
cause
no i wont let go of the things that we have
no i wont give up of you just yet
in this balcony we shall dance
once the clouds above us clears up
no i wont
no i wont

.Sensitive.

the other night when i bumped to him. first impression i knew straight away he was reallly really down. as we continued conversing, he sounded more depressed. my heart shrank. i felt really sorry for him. the moment he left, i felt like crying. crying for he is doing his best to be strong and not let go and just fall. crying for i cant do anything to help. i felt so useless. all i could say was be strong. how pathetic. well i really feel for you bro. you'll make it.i know.

Then the same night at home, conversing with her, i too felt like crying during one of the topics that we spoke off. me being too nice. thats where it all started me to think. how not to be nice. and how vulnerable i am to people stepping on my head. i always thought your loved ones will be the least likely to do that but previous relationships have proven me wrong. baby, prove that its true. i still believe that its not true.
The following day,at work, the entire 11 hours, i spent my time alone. that didnt help me. no it didnt. negative thoughts all went in. spent almost throughout the 11 hours, just feeling negative,sad,sensitive,lacking self-esteem. then when i met her, i just sank. sank really deep. so deep i had to hold back a tear. till now i dont know why. throughout the night i was really sensitive about stuff. i tried to block it off by stoning but that actually made it worst. but love, when you asked me am i ok, it felt really good.really. i felt much better.


i'm having one of those periods. a point of time when i start to doubt my own abilities. see things negatively and in the end i feel sad and suffer. i needyou to give me assurance. keep my chin up.

even to you ill be sensitve. especially you actually.
do you want to know why?
cause you mean something to me.every single you make create emotions to me cause i like to notice.
hope its not scary because its not suppose to be scary. i notice cause my mind is filled up by you.during work all i could think of was you. wondering what you were doing and concluded in the end you were sleeping(: so didnt want to bother you.i'll only disturb your sleep if i need to wake you up or i have to tell you something important.a lot of people in vivo city started looking like you. when she hugged me, i lit up a moment hoping it was you. but to my dismay it wasnt.


im the kind of guy will hang on to what you say and will straight away letgo if your actions
contradicts it.not really straight away. more of doubt.but all it takes to fix it is reassurance.that was what was lacking in my previous relationship. only now have i realised i need reassurance.


hope its not a farfetched thing to do. hope im not asking too much. if it is. tell me.ill understand.

as for this phase im going through. im pretty sure it'll be over really soon. like in 5 mins? heh.

toodles everyone.

where's my fuzzy wuzzy

.its you and me.

its been a long while since i felt this way.
no one knows what i feel
you are the reason which is keeping me breathing.
breathing to see what will happen tomorrow.
you keep me on my toes.
not so as to creep but to be aware of whatever is happening.
i want to fall away with you.
with you in my arms that all matters regardless the consequences.
i want to hold you close but im worried itll make you feel restricted.
i want to kiss you but i'm scared you feel to doted.
i want to fall for you but im scared you'll doubt it.


take away all of those will you.
the buts.
lets take a ride.to the sunset.

.Venture in this darkness.

venture with me in this darkness
our deepest fears should be left behind
i hope we will be just fine
and you're not far behind.
together we will roam inside
and discover new things outside
just hope we wont forget one thing
what you mean to me

oh why
did you left me behind.
oh why
did you leave me on the ground
oh why
oh why
oh why can't i see



ahh. still not done. a random song(:

.This brilliant dance.

i'll lead you to where we should go. but you have to find your steps.

i'll take your hand to take you to where we belong, but you have to know which hand is mine.

i'll be by your side to help you overcome your fears. but you have to find it in yourself first to be able to overcome it.

you need strength,courage,self confidence,motivation,pillar of strength,a net to catch you if you fall.

i can give you all that but only one thing i cant give you. the mental strength to stay focused, learn and adapt.

but i'll always be there to help you if you need me.i promise.even if i cant do anything to help.

.you're all that i need.

flutter i feel.
smiles.
laughs.
thats what you give.

kisses and hugs.
is what i love.

.Will you take me deeper now.

im scared i might get lost.
this jungle is so thick and dark i cant even see my fingers.
it scares me to pieces.
its not that i dont want to venture in this jungle.
with you especially.
but im just scared ill end up in a swamp.
ill take your hand if you take mine.
and together we will walk side by side and not worry bout time.
i want to fall for you.
but will you let me?
will this jungle be too dark for me to know why im falling?
i certainly hope its not.
i certainly hope the torch that i brought along will work.



i want to kiss you underneath the stars.

just now we were talkin about fate.
fate to me is the decisions that we make. and thus the decision will lead to fate.
its decision that we make that somehow we are fated to make.
but having fate is one thing but doing things that leads to fate leads is another.
i think it was fate that we met up again once more after ages last seeing you.and the decision leading to it was sheena deciding to bring you down to meet up with us.
things happen for a reason and somehow that is fate.
fate is a strong and subjective word but i simply love it.
if not for fate. i wont be here sitting down on my chair thinking of you whilst you are at home sleeping.

i want you here in my arms.
i want to feel your lips once more.
killing time is no more a problem
cause with you around, it feels so fast.


hope this would last.hope you feel the same way too.
hope you would say i loveyou too.

Questions can be anything. answers will only mean one thing.

.Cupids chokehold.

if i had to choose her over the sun
i'd be one nocturnal son of a gun

She's got a smile that would make the most senile
Annoying old man bite his tongue
I'm not done
She's got eyes comparable to sunrise
And it doesn't stop there
Man I swear
She's got porcelain skin of course she's a ten
And now she's even got her own song
But movin' on
She's got the cutest laugh I ever heard
And we can be on the phone for three hours
Not sayin' one word
And I would still cherish every moment
And when I start to build my future she's the main component
Call it dumb call it luck call it love or whatever you call it but
Everywhere I go I keep her picture in my wallet like here


simple yet so beautiful.

if that ain't love then i dont know what love is.


waaaaa.nice.
got a brand new phone!(: bye sally hello joan.hahaha.

i want to be awake and cherish every single moment of this.
this pureness, the simplicity of things.
sing her songs and put her to bed.
roll off the bed.
err.wait.thats not it.
its beautiful thats how i'd like to put it.simply pure.
THEN comes the bitch.
PROJECTS.
fucking swine.
it shall be commencing soon.
ergh.
go away. stay away from me projects. you are a disease carrier. you bring me tiredness, stress,fuck.fuck,fuck. well.look on the bright side johnny. you'll be ending school in about 2 months or so.hmm. you are so right. i am.weee. i got a job! becoming acid empire's temp soundman! hopefully ill get a permanent post with them.i'd simply love it.(:

wagawagawoo!

.Take me deeper now.

ahh. finally my head feels lighter. every part of me feels lighter.

THIS is how i should feel. this is what i want to feel.




my voice sounds cute apparently when im high.hahahahahaha. goddammit. that is so fuckin difficult to imagine and im not gonna.haha. such a scary thought.

i dont know if ive posted this before but im still gonna say it. someone told me last time im romantically clumsy yet it is nice. am i? and hows that like?

ask me more questions. tell me more bout you.make me nervous. make my heart pound faster.make me think all the time. i love all that. dont ever stop asking me questions. knowing someone takes 5 mins but understanding oneself takes an eternity.

think im falling deep.looking up i see people smile looking down at me. that smile on their face made me realise it is a good thing. and i feel the same way. but that smile on their faces gave me more assurance. this time round i want to fall deeper.

that mess has been somewhat cleared. but i feel it was a blessing in disguise. if not for the mess i sometimes wonder would we ever question ourselves. this concerns to everyone and to me most. i wonder would i ever think of what i wanted. it made me realise that somehow you mean something to me. something that i would never thought of. but dont get me wrong. im not trying to sound uncertain. i am certain. this is so blissful. me and you. sometimes the thing that you least expect to work out or happen can be the most beautiful thing.like the song says after all this while never thought i'd be here.

will you take me deeper now?

.Dry.

Wipe that tear of your eye i will for i will stay.

drunk.sleepy.goodnight.loveyou and everyone

.Don't go away.

there's alot of things to say
about the things gone in my mind.
so dont go away
say what you say.
say that you'll stay
forever and a day in the time of my life.
for i need more time.
yes i need more time
just to make things right.
damn my situation and the games i have to play
and the things gone in my mind.
i wanna be there when youre falling down
and i wanna be there when you hit the ground.
me and you whats going on.
dont go away
say what you say
say that you'll stay.
forever and a day in the time of my life
for i need more time
yes i need more time
just to make things right



i rightly believe so.somehow it fits me well.



will you stay? wait for everything to clear up.
and for me to sober down. im not like this.
things suppose to be so beautiful eventhough it is but more carefree.
not worrying about what people would say because they cant say anything.
so what if we are holding hands. it means nothing from the outside.but deep inside is only gonna matter to both of us.dont you thing so girl?

i hate it when i hear things bout me.
things that arent supposed to be said.
things that are not real.
surreal as you would like to put it.
surreal things have to ways.
good or bad.
good is fantastic.


eventhough i said friends matter to me most but you still matter to me somehow.
cause im not gonna let go such a beautiful thing such as this so easily.
im loving every single moment of this.

but you just have to toxicate this fairy tale like how things in the past has happened.you as being the other person.
cant you just let us be.
let us be free
and never worry
bout the things we are gonna do.
question your own insecurities and satisfy your own lack of self esteem, self confidence and inferiority. we cant do anything but watch.
we learn from our mistakes. its about time you learn too. dont ever blame on your lack of relationships for causing this mess. its never about that. its all about you being so immature, naive, gullible, oblivious and SELFISHNESS.

PERIOD

my brain has been really swamped with alot of things and i feel somehow im beginning to be really confused. i can just walk away from all this bullshit that you're creating and care for myself. why would i want to be bothered by all these that is niggling pain in my ear.



because i care.

.I gotta whisper.

its really good to hear your voice saying my name, it sounds so sweet.

(:

i adore you.that what it means.i think so.haha.

my feet is killing me. my tits are aching.my eyes are burning. my ears are tired.

did you guys know after a night of clubbing, it takes about 3 days for your ears to recover totally. well that is some did you know questions. random

it was wierd last night.no matter how hard to ignore, it just crept in. couldnt stop myself from letting my senses run wild.

HEY. MY UNDERWEAR IS WET.WANT TO PEEK?

.Good riddance.

i think i got the wrong person.

but my philosphy stays.

Parading to the lord

Be like you all have been.
i prefer that way.
not caring.
i prefer that way.
not knowing.
i prefer that way.
now that you tried to "care" you're just making things worst.
dont try understanding me.
i wont let you all.cause this is how things suppose to be
i prefer how i could do anything and not care what people would say.
wadnering around aimlessly looking for people to talk to.
finding one and just sit down and waste away the hours.


i find out one thing.
you're the one adding fuel to the carnage.
waiting to explode whilst within me implodes.
with fiery and anger.
just walk away and mind your own problems.
dont have to worry i got a map with me and a compass.
ill find my way and will never get lost.if i do i know who to look for.




god.

You're all that i want

You're everything.

I walked so far only to find that you are so near.
i climbed so high only to find that you are here.
sitting close you held me.
feeling so lonely it wasnt suppose to be.
cause youre here
cause youre here


stop it will you?
i won't listen to anything.
i will keep my ears shut.not trying to be rude but not wanting to know anything. cause i know it'll make me move.move to make you feel better. but its not suppose to be that way. you need to settle down and calculate youre desires.its so far fetched that even i cant give it to you

Worries are not worth it..

Retrack back all my tracks,throw it all away i will to ensure everyone is happy. talk all you like cause i dont really give a shit.

i've been doing this for 19 years and why now should i change. you all need to understand me cause ive been spending the last dont know how many months understanding you guys.

did you know how difficult it was to get myself accustomed with a huge family whom i found out i really loved?

did you know how difficult it was for me to settle down?

did you know how difficult it was for me to swallow seeing my bestfriend being doted by another friend and he returning it?

did you know how difficult it was for me to get used with having friends after being left alone for almost 7 months?

did you know how difficult it was for me to find out what is wrong with me?

it has been great fun yes. but when trouble appears you all scatter. why? dont. stick close. stay near. watch our backs. cover our weaknesses. WE ARE HUMANS after all did you all realise?

humans learn from mistake yes. but prevention is better then cure.

with a family this big. im sure this wont be the last tiff that we will have. but that is good. cause it'll make us stronger.

but you all seemed to be always complaining or maybe thats just how i look at it.

if we are meant to be. one day we all will be one again.

Deafening, keeping you from sleep

i long to find the messenger.
but ive got a long way to run




collective soul.. ahh.. such beauty their song. need to sober up.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

here i am. hoping you're by myside. then there's lovehunters.hahaha.

dang. hope i wont fall.








i said nonsense. dont listen to it.









no where near the truth.








like i always said. time will tell

Its cool to take these chances

embracing fall forever. im falling in your eyes.breathe deeply from this envelope it smells like you and i, cant be without that scent its filling me with all you mean to me.

why does it seem that every road likes to wind up fast on him, she's all he wants.she's everything. she is all that he never had.

my worries your desires

well that is a very random title.glooogaaaaaaaagek

feel like vomitting.

ergh. hate it. the feeling. but i love to vomit.haha.call me bulimic but im not.
aim higher and you'll fall down harder but you'll end up stronger. dont you think so?

shit. i don't know what to do

today has been the laziest day of the month.

lazied around at home. suddenly i find myself at my aunt's place. then stoned there not knowing what is going around.

went back home. lazied around again.


numb laaa.i think im numb thats why.numbess from what i wonder.from the ill feeling that i had since what?a year ago? man, thats a heck of a long time.sometimes i wonder if im really over it or am i just dwelling on it but not feeling negative about it.but sometimes i wonder is it really because of what happened last time?
cause im not sure myself. like they say, " feelings happen and we dont really know why "
i would love to know why. cause i need to get out from this rot ive been swamped in. this rot has not been anywhere healthy for me. even im rotting. rotting from emptiness. i need food to be filled in my heart. food being love. my heart has been shrinking.shrinking ever since ive been numb. it all just started not knowing when not knowing why.

but i'll always tell myself this.what you never had you'll never miss.what you'll never get, you'll always miss.

i need to conjure myself to narrate a beautiful story of you and us, but i dont know how when where to begin.

wait.dont go

time stood still.
feelings run wild
maybe you'll go for awhile
but wait.
don't go
cause im here to stay.
dont run away
cause im here to stay
hope that you would stay for awhile
and talk to me for one last time
like you mean it
like you mean it


really.maybe im lonely

Continuation

its great to be stoned. sit around.do nothing else but listen to music or play guitar.

managed to tweak my previous song unknowingly.haha. it sounds better now i guess.


WHERE ARE YOU?


time
will let us know
if love would show
to show us what we are
move
its getting colder
without you by myside
turn
im right behind
if only you werent blind
but now that you've left emptiness all thats left
when will this charade be over.

where are you?
where are you?

feel
no more
when you're not at the store
standing by the door
write
to me
and tell what would it be
the story you and me
when everythings gone i would hope you'd remember
the things that we've done

where are you?
where are you?
not opening my eyes
.got lost in disguise
.said you wouldnt go
said you take me away
but now that you've left emptiness all thats left
when will this charade be over.

where are you?
where are you?


like says. time will let us know if love would show. to show us what we are.
i think it means something here.heh

beeeeeen quite sometime ive beeeeen out on a date. sobs

renamed

you see past all the lies.
you take it all away.
it keeps me needing you.

been sickly this past week. clubbing didnt help i guess.it sort of made my condition worst.
buuut it was one hell of night.


i think you've been sorely missed. by me.
should we ever gaze the stars under the moonlight
with nothing else for us to hold on tight
but us.
i will wait for that day to come