.Distraught i am.

she's not gonna see me before i go off.honestly it breaks my heart.

but then again why should i be broken hearted. we are not together anymore. we are simply just friends. i need to get it in my system.WE ARE JUST FRIENDS.god.

why is it so difficult for me this time. why am i not itching to leave. why am i still lingering around. i have to end this. its killing me sometimes.yes sometimes.sometimes she just pops up in my head. it is so vivid,the image stays there for a long time. it drives me crazy.i need to move on. like real quick. she's not coming back. why am i being such an idiot.i know she's not coming back.why am i being so melodramatic.FUCK I HATE THIS.FUCKING HATE THIS.

then they say im being denial to my feelings.im just trying to prevent myself from getting hurt they say.AM I?

am i not suppose to move on?

am i not suppose to believe she's not coming back?

am i not suppose to stop thinking of her?

they say i should get back to her. they say it seems i regretted calling it quits.

are they right?

will this haunt me?

have i made the wrong decision?

they say im being delusional.

they say ive wasted 6months of my life.HA

im afraid to tell you that i made the wrong decisions if thats true.

im afraid to tell you that im still in love with you if thats true.

im afraid you'll just push me away, i know thats true.

im afraid you'll take me as one desperate hopeless guy,i hope thats not true.

im afraid im gonna get hurt if i tell you ive made a mistake in letting you go.

im afraid you'll just walk away.

the last part may be inevitable. thats why im afraid to do anything now even if its gonna haunt me for god knows how long.

i thank god everynight that we still keep in touch. i thank god that nothing sour happened after i call it quits. i dont want to do anything that will rattle or even make me lose what we are having now. i dont want to ask for too much. 

oh fucking god. why am i sounding such a melodramatic loser.

maybe im just being delusional. but one thing's for sure. im still not over you.

and ive gotta figure out why.