. I know I suck .

last night when you called and you were weeping your way throughout the conversation, my heart sank to an all time low. even though i couldn't make up a single thing you said, it still was heart-wrenching.

one thing's for sure i know was the person who cause you to cry. that person is that dumb ass crack vaginal ex of hers. he is mentally retarded. if you know me well enough, i 'm not the kind that gives out negative impressions on people but this guy is an exception. not because he is her ex but he is just plain retarded. hope you burn in hell sonny.

that aside, after you hung up. i felt like shit. useless. helpless. there you were in need of help but i just couldn't do anything to help. fuck i hate that feeling. sometimes i feel yeah i suck. for all the kindness i can give but when it matters most i can't do anything. i felt so useless yesterday night. all i could do was to calm you down but even that i couldn't do. 

i'm beginning to wonder can i always be there for her?

i want to. but i lack the resources. i'm willing to do anything to give what she needs,what she desire.

but reality is hurtful at times. maybe i have to accept the fact im no superman. 

i compare myself to other guys out there and i sense i lack a lot.

firstly, the stupid curfew my momma gives me(yeah i know, what a loser.) and the undeniable fact of me feeling anxious whenever momma calls me to go home. i fear this for saturday is your favourite day and i don't want it to be any different. but stupid curfews. fucking hell.

its not that i don't want to spend late nights with you. i would love to. everynight. if we didn't have to go home and stay up all night together everyday, i would grab that opportunity.everytime when we go out, how i wish it never has to end. 

can i put you in my pocket and bring you home?

then there is mode of transportation. traveling has been one of the biggest issue that i have encountered recently. if only we were neighbours. how easy it would be for us. we can sneak out everynight, get a cup of noodles and eat our hearts away.

IFs. that somehow sums up most of my life. lotsa IFs.

but one thing is for sure, i believe that my sincerity, love, care and respect for you outshines all of that. i really hope it does for if not, i'm a nobody.

i'm not complaining though, just bringing up some concerns that i have that might jeopardize our relationship.

i am different. i am yours.